New chapter in life means doing some cleaning and getting rid of things that are not needed anymore. Currently, I’m making my way through my file cabinet and found this handwritten journal of my 2009 New Years. Here’s what I wrote:
A start of a new year. 2009
The new year started off with a bang. Well not literally just… different compared to the other years. Like any other year, I just want the strike of midnight into the new year to be like any other night. So instead of watching Dick Clark or Ryan Seacreast on ABC (which is the parent company of Disney :) ) I changed over to KTLA to watch FRIENDS (the episode that aired was the one where Racheal’s sister is in town and goes on a date w/ Ross which makes Racheal jealous.)
Any who after the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 countdown, hugs + kisses from my mom, my parents headed to bed while I stayed in the living room choosing which DVD to play next. 8 Mile was my pick.
I had forgotten about 8 Mile. I forgot the story, the characters and overall point of the movie. This movie wasn’t all bad. It kinda glimpses into the lives of many people living in America’s poor. Working just to stay alive and well. The interpersonal relationships between characters are also hard- knocking. Their relationships are pretty deep and in some scenes makes you think about their actions ans use of words and their meanings (maybe it’s just me). After this movie, I shifted onto one of the Xmen trilogy movies (again).
New Year begins w/ 8Mile and Xmen.
*note off to side, boxed:
03:03- 04:40
346-04:40
call.getting cozy on the couch w/ my blanket, I get a text. 03:03. It’s from Rony. A late send due to mass texts? I figured. So I opened it. “Hey you awake I need your help.” Emotions start rushing. I begin shivering uncontrollably. I text back. He texts back. We later talk to each other on the phone. After he feels that he’s about to fall asleep. We hang up. I have to admit. After talking to him. I feel better. I felt better about my personal life. I think I am over him. Joel. What happened already happened and I just need to get over it and move on and not mope. Yes, I might get that “I wish I was in a relationship” feeling, but I have to tell myself, “Just wait + see”. I will have to admit that I might have developed feelings for Rony, but I think that just needs to stay to myself for now. Maybe, if time and fate permits,, and we’re both in the same position and agree to taking a step together, perhaps I can, finally admit to it. But for now I have a feeling that I’m just not ready for it. Maybe or perhaps I’m scared of taking that risk for a friendship to evolve. MAYBE?
Loneliness. Lonely. Alone.
Repeated words that was constantly mentioned last night (or early this morning). I know how he feels. Being an only child can do that to you. It sucks. But I will admit that perhaps some of us were meant to be alone. MAYBE? Is being alone (as an only child) really that bad? I sometimes wonder. But I also feel that no one should be alone for the rest of their lives. It’s just not fun to be alone. I guess we’ll just have to see and wait. See and wait. It seems like that’s what life mostly is about. Wait, But keep occupied to pass the time.
MARVEL
Interesting isn’t it. When you look back at some of your thoughts from a couple years ago. Amazing to see how much you’ve changed since then. I remember that night.. but after reading this.. I had forgotten the emotions.
