Something just got to me. I put the pieces together and now… An Epiphany? Maybe. And It really makes me wonder.

The director told me that they have a nurse educator. There was only one for the entire hospital. He also added that the he was ineffective.

This educator was the one who passed my name to the director.

I wonder what’s going on between departments and between the staff members… Social politics? Political society?

Perhaps I just dislike being told what to do.. Maybe.

But why is it that when I speak to my elders, (may be its a cultural thing?) they always give me that “you can do it” talk. I personally don’t like this chat… because

1. I think they’re lying,
2. Sometimes these talks are an overview of what’s going to happen.. and most of the time they are over exaggerated,
3. They sometimes give me this false hope of confidence that I am going to make it. And often this confidence takes over and I do poorly.

So what do I do?

Pray hard to my God/ Allah/ Buddha/ Deities.

Our usual schedule is family get together Christmas Eve. I always enjoy the company of my family. My cousins are awesome and I always have a great time with them.

It was interesting this year. For our annual cousins gift exchange, we were told to make our gifts creative. I thought long and hard for this (about 3 days, on and off). I researched online for some possible ideas. One idea was to wrap the gift in very annoying, and tiresome layers of duct tape, paper, plastic, and cement. I thought, one, it would take some time for to put that together, and two, I would be soo annoyed. So, while it was some what of an interesting idea.. I decided to have that as a back up if all else fails and I can’t think of anything else.

So I consulted my dad. I told him about our plans for the exchange and the little twist to our gift exchange (A prize was up for the grabs). He suggested that I have my person sing a song to my mom.

Not a bad idea I thought.

I’ve had this box that fit a mp3 player and I knew it would be a great starter to my gift. So after I ordered the real gift online, I moved onto the “faux”. I wanted to give direction to my person.. but I knew it had to be unique.. I found a foiled wrapped chocolate in the shape of coal. I knew I had to use it. I also found some shredded paper to add a little flair to the box. Poof poof snip snip, bottom part was down. Now onto the directions.. I thought long and hard on this part. Through my search for ideas, I cam across some riddles or rhymes that some people added to their secret santa gifts. I figured I would do the same. It took me a long time to get started. I had some introductions, and none of them stuck out to be worth reading. Then.. for some odd reason the “Twas the Night Before Christmas Poem” came to my mind. I knew this was it. I semi- studied the pattern of the poem.. and went from there.

This was the final draft of the poem:

Sing- A- Song

When the final day came, I was kind of nervous.. I thought maybe he wouldn’t do the task and that all of this would be lame and a waste of time. I really didn’t think what I did was good enough. Before this family affair, I showed my dad the poem. He didn’t like it. So I thought, ‘this is gonna suck’. I put a good amount of effort on it.. and I didn’t want to make it overly complicated… so I left it at that. Whatever. So when it finally came down to the moment… everyone quietly listened as my cousin read the poem aloud.

1st stanza: … Chuckles.

2nd stanza: … Louder chuckles and a “that’s funny”.

3rd stanza: … “Good one, Ness.”

As he was reading the poem, he was laughing (at the poem and because he had to change the pronunciation of the words in order for it to “rhyme”.) Then he looked at me, and then at my mom. I smiled. My family was laughing… a sound I love. It’s a sound that’s very reassuring, brings me happiness… and gives me a sense of calm.

For this secret santa… I received:

I can't wait for this!!

I was surprised that I got both… my secret santa’s awesome!

All of this doesn’t matter… Just being in the presence of my family is truly enough for me.
My family’s awesome and I love them all!

#heartsign&happyface

A a pretty good film. It interested me because of its old, slang, English used back in the of “gangsters” like Al Capone. The fight scenes were cool… but could’ve been choreographed a little better.. or the camera could’ve been placed elsewhere.

A running theme that lingered throughout the movie was “love” (of course) and its meaning. So what is love? Is love merely emotional that orchestrates our physical actions? Must our physical actions prove our emotional thoughts and feelings?

Do they deserve to be given “Hell” in order to acknowledge the love that is masked under covert operations of another in hopes that they’ll fall into their plan and find that love? Does that even make sense?

Young, blonde Rock Hudson is dreamy…. **sigh :)
Another actor added onto my list of favorites..

This movie offers some insight in to a list of female restrictions that families often place onto them. The needs of their families are often placed first before the needs of their own. I really like this movie. Though after my internet “research” proved otherwise, I really think this movie would have had potential to be something great. This movie is one that’s on my list of favorites. Thanks Rock and Nat.

And it was Charles Bronson in that movie! He looks different from the latest grey hair I’m use to.

I’ve been itching to blog… yesterday. Perhaps I’m still on this high from hanging out with “Cuisine” yesterday. I mean, the hangout was good. The days leading up to the hangout were long. I was sorta dreading the day. I kept w0ndering why he kept in contact with me and why he wanted to hangout… Every question imaginable came to mind and they wouldn’t stop. At one point, I was going to call it off and make up an excuse to not go… but I figured.. hey.. You only live once, and its best to take those risks, share those happy moments with the ones you love and care for.. and just live life. So I agreed to go. The meet up was initially suppose to be held in my neck of the woods.. but because there are dangerous creatures here.. I figured, we should meet somewhere else. It really isn’t the greatest or safest city to be in… If I don’t think you can cut it out here… then you’ll never come around here.. I do think about your safety.. Luckily, he agreed. hahaha… (I had other reasons too for moving the meeting site)…

So big day came about… I got there early and started thinking… What were we going to do? What were we going to talk about? Same stuff? Yep.. We talked about the usual stuff we talked about the last time.. From nursing school, to finding employment, to LA, to SLP, to music, to going out, to family, to drunkenness… to vices.. same old story came up. It was just an update meeting.. What else were we going to talk about? There were times where he went back to occurrences that happened in our other school… I just kept quiet about those and just.. laughed it off. Maybe if we hung out more.. we’d be able to talk about other stuff.. I know we would be able to.. but we were quite limited to discussions. We tried finding commonalities among one another but they all resorted to the same topics.

At one point we started talking about going out.. I’m not the type to go out. I’m kinda the one who would always be found at home. But he began discussing about some of his adventures.. I contributed with some of the adventures that I had… but the parental limitations that were and still are placed upon this senior student. None the less.. he did add that he’d try to get me out. Which in some ways… seemed kinda.. admiring. Not in that way.. it’s like something I could look forward to.. But we’ll see if that’ll ever happen.

But anyway.. before we left, he surprised me. He hugged me. Earlier, as he was coming, I wanted to hug him.. but the awkward Ness that I am.. didn’t. So he went straight in to the store and ordered. But to the end.. before we left, it definitely seemed he really wanted to do it, but was hesitant to do so… But he was like.. You know what, I’m going to give you a hug.. We hugged and I was glad he did it. :D

This hangout definitely made me question.. what his intentions are. Will our friendship develop into something more? Does he see me that way? Should I open myself up and let him in? Should I take this chance and let myself fall into a relationship?

In all honesty… all those questions scare me. I’m scared to let myself get into a relationship. I’m scared of opening myself up to let others in. I’m scared of getting consumed into the relationship, and only to find out.. nothing was really there. I’m scared. I’m scared of taking this risk. But what would life be without it….. right?

So.. I end this post with a quote from ye ol book of faith. ” Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

So what defines success? What drives success? What allows us to dictate that that person over there has found/ reached/ sought/ has strived for and achieved success?

Success definitely has different meanings for everyone. For a grade- schooler who is studying for a spelling test- success would be granted if that student gets a good grade. Success can be termed if a person achieves something that no one else has achieved before… Or success can be a personal achievement, which millions have already accomplished. Can success be considered success only after a person has lived? Why is it that only then are a person’s achievements recognized and that person is considered successful?

Have I reached success? Am I on my way? Am I close?

“The most important thing is to find a world you belong to. Our lives only begin to mean something, when we find that world.”

And I’m awake.

I still think about you Stephanie. We all miss you very much.
Take care of your family, especially your parents!
I love you!

This summer’s been quite a… good one. So far..

This summer, I:

1.) Graduated from college! (Well the date of my graduation doesn’t actually fall into the date of Summer.. but I thought I’d just throw that in there.
2.) Had a graduation party. I also had a couple drinks. ;)
3.) Went to LACMA, Getty Villa
4.) Took an NCLEX Review Course, studied for a good… month and a half- ish. And Passed NCLEX! I am now registered.
5.) Cousin’s expected baby number 2! A friend of mine from HS is expected baby number 1! (I know these aren’t things I am doing or have done, but they’re both well worth noting).
6.) Am expecting to: Try out this Oinksters place in G-dale, Go to LV to see Celine Dion in Concert, Go on a cruise to Mexico, Go to an Adele concert (yay!), and perhaps leave the country for a little bit (I will only hope that this happens!).

I mean so far… my summer’s been good! I keep thinking that I have something due in the next week.. but… nope.. Schedule’s long clear. Am not actively seeking a schedule for my overseas trip or looking for a job when I get back, but… whatever’s out there.. I hope I find it or it finds me. :D

On another note- So I’m at a point in my life where… I should be ready to check into the next chapter in my life, where according to Erikson is “Intimacy versus Isolation”. I don’t know if I’m ready for this next stage of development. I frankly don’t even know how I should go about doing so either. At this point, my mom is now giving me the clear go ahead to go out and date.. but.. all these years of never having a boyfriend and you expect it to be not awkward for me?.. I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m even ready for it. Right now.. I’m not really looking. I’m enjoying what I’m doing right now. But if it were to find me in this instant… I won’t close the door on it. I’d gladly let it in with no hesitation (unless this person turns out to be my worst nightmare, then I’d lock myself away in a dungeon and throw away the key). There are times where I really wish I had someone there by my side (other than my parents), who I can be affectionate with.. but I don’t know if he’ll ever come knockin’. Again… we’ll just have to wait and see.

New chapter in life means doing some cleaning and getting rid of things that are not needed anymore. Currently, I’m making my way through my file cabinet and found this handwritten journal of my 2009 New Years. Here’s what I wrote:

A start of a new year.                                   2009

The new year started off with a bang. Well not literally just… different compared to the other years. Like any other year, I just want the strike of midnight into the new year to be like any other night. So instead of watching Dick Clark or Ryan Seacreast on ABC (which is the parent company of Disney :) ) I changed over to KTLA to watch FRIENDS (the episode that aired was the one where Racheal’s sister is in town and goes on a date w/ Ross which makes Racheal jealous.)

Any who after the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 countdown, hugs + kisses from my mom, my parents headed to bed while I stayed in the living room choosing which DVD to play next. 8 Mile was my pick.

I had forgotten about 8 Mile. I forgot the story, the characters and overall point of the movie. This movie wasn’t all bad. It kinda glimpses into the lives of many people living in America’s poor. Working just to stay alive and well. The interpersonal relationships between characters are also hard- knocking. Their relationships are pretty deep and in some scenes makes you think about their actions ans use of words and their meanings (maybe it’s just me). After this movie, I shifted onto one of the Xmen trilogy movies (again).

New Year begins w/ 8Mile and Xmen.

*note off to side, boxed:
03:03- 04:40
346-04:40
call.

getting cozy on the couch w/ my blanket, I get a text. 03:03. It’s from Rony. A late send due to mass texts? I figured. So I opened it. “Hey you awake I need your help.” Emotions start rushing. I begin shivering uncontrollably. I text back. He texts back. We later talk to each other on the phone. After he feels that he’s about to fall asleep. We hang up. I have to admit. After talking to him. I feel better. I felt better about my personal life. I think I am over him. Joel. What happened already happened and I just need to get over it and move on and not mope. Yes, I might get that “I wish I was in a relationship” feeling, but I have to tell myself, “Just wait + see”. I will have to admit that I might have developed feelings for Rony, but I think that just needs to stay to myself for now. Maybe, if time and fate permits,, and we’re both in the same position and agree to taking a step together, perhaps I can, finally admit to it. But for now I have a feeling that I’m just not ready for it. Maybe or perhaps I’m scared of taking that risk for a friendship to evolve. MAYBE?

Loneliness. Lonely. Alone.

Repeated words that was constantly mentioned last night (or early this morning). I know how he feels. Being an only child can do that to you. It sucks. But I will admit that perhaps some of us were meant to be alone. MAYBE? Is being alone (as an only child) really that bad? I sometimes wonder. But I also feel that no one should be alone for the rest of their lives. It’s just not fun to be alone. I guess we’ll just have to see and wait. See and wait. It seems like that’s what life mostly is about. Wait, But keep occupied to pass the time.

MARVEL

Interesting isn’t it. When you look back at some of your thoughts from a couple years ago. Amazing to see how much you’ve changed since then. I remember that night.. but after reading this.. I had forgotten the emotions.

And perhaps it’s finally over.  Days, weeks, hours spent reading, noting, observing and learning new information to achieve a simple “pass/no pass”| initials after your name.. is now in the past. The test is now.. in my past. And as I sit here typing.. blurbing all the things that my mind is just bursting itself to say… I still have to wait. Wait for the results of that awful test that caused me stress, worry, gave me the panic that I soon wish to forget and yet be reminded that all of the hard work and effort really did matter. It really did make a difference. My years in college definitely gave me many experiences that I will never forget. Those experiences, both good and bad, were lessons that truly tested me. They gave me challenges that I hope will soon prepare me for the life ahead of me. But yet, again, I worry that perhaps this one test… will not allow me to become what I’ve been working hard to do. Perhaps this test… will give me the results that will tell me… “Sorry hun, but this is not for you”. But yet again, I wonder whether those words… are the ones that I’ve been wanting to hear. Perhaps those words are the words that I’ve been waiting for. Perhaps I’m really destined for another path? Or maybe I’m suppose to go on both paths at the same time.

So many questions so little time..

Test is on Wednesday. I need this. Please?!

Such an emotional roller coaster these pass weeks. I’ve started crying this week already.

Please give me the strength to pass this test, God. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. Please, lord, bless me with the strength and knowledge to pass this test.

Please God, please.

With that, it’s all over. I finally reached the end of the nursing program… and to such surprise. I’m officially a graduate. I can’t believe that I’ve actually stuck it out and completed this so called nursing program. I still feel unsure about whether this is actually for me. Now that the school part is over, does it mean that my professors and instructors see that I am a nurse? That I have the potential to be a nurse? That I can actually be considered a nurse? I still don’t know.

Along with this so called “happy ending” we faced a tragedy. One of our fellow nursing mates passed following a stroke. At first, I didn’t really know how to approach the situation. Part of it was due to guilt. I constantly regret giving her such a hard time. I was mean. I wish I could take it all back and give her the time of day to really get to know her and I wish I could’ve done something to prevent it from ever happening. Maybe if I really listened to her, talked to her I would caught something that was abnormal.. and maybe she would still be here today. All what if’s of this life’s uncertain future. Her last journey here on earth was beautiful. Her final resting place overlooked an awesome view of earth’s natural structures and lifeforms. The last service was also beautiful. Her sister’s dedication song to her was perfectly sung and executed. SMH, I want to apologize for all the bad things I’ve done to you. I am very sorry for treating you like I did. Perhaps it was due to jealousy or just frustration on my part. But.. I really want you to know that I really do miss you. It feels really different without you here. I love you. Please take care of your sister, brother and especially your parents and cousins. They all love and miss you terribly. Meeting Edgar was also a treat for us. We were very happy to have met the guy that was making you happy. He’s an awesomely sweet person. We’re glad that you found him. Take care of him Steph!

Sooo…. now, I’m facing the terrible and infamous NCLEX. And Again, I am terrified! I don’t know if I can do it. See again, I underestimate my abilities of pulling though this. I need more confidence. I need to do this. I can do this… NO I CAN’T :P. No but really… I need to do it. I have less than 29 days to study now. ugh.

And with these thoughts, I wonder whether the life as a registered nurse is for me. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I even on the right path in the right direction? Am I even on a path or am I part of the skewed hoping to be part of the trend?

This uncertainties has also made me wonder about whether to stay in school or not. Should I continue and get more letters added after my name? Should I consume myself in the world of a registered nurse and look at the possibilities that this career has in store for me?

So one more semester to go… And we’ll have to see what the rest of the year has in store for me.

Dad: N! N!

me: huh?

Dad:I’m going to close the computer.

me: Okay.

Dad: N! I’m going to close the computer.

me: Okay.

Dad: N! Is it okay that I close this one?

me: Yeah, it’s fine.

Dad: N! Are you still using this?

me: No, I’m done. You can close the computer.

Dad: I’m going to close it.

me: Yeah, go ahead.

Dad: I’m going to close it.

me: Yeah.

Dad: I’m going to close it?

me: (I walk into the room.) Yeah.

Dad: You still using this?

me: No, I’m done. You can close it.

Dad: I’m going to close it.

me: Okay.

Dad finally logs me off the computer.